Interview with Sarah Frances Moran

Today I’m sitting with the talented poet, Sarah Frances Moran. She is the founder and publisher of the brand new, rising parvenu of a literary journal, Yellow Chair Review. Sarah, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share your insight. Tell us a little about yourself.

SM: Well I’m a 33 year old, native Houstonian living in Waco, Texas. I’m an assistant manager at the local spay/neuter clinic. I spend my days with lots of cats and dogs. I live here with my partner and our animals. We have a small houseful.

JG: You’re billed as the Waco Poet. How does sense of place influence your writing?

SM: It really doesn’t influence my writing tremendously and honestly there are a ton of other amazing poets in this small town. I do think it’s important to be active in and supportive of your community so I do my best to do that.

JG: What’s the poem that hooked you? Did you ever try to emulate it?

SM: Langston Hughes’ “Genius Child.” It has always been my favorite. When I was in high school I carried around his Collected Works. That poem has always been important to me. I’ve never tried to emulate it though I’ve frequently made reference to searching for that genius child within myself.

JG: How long have you been writing? What is your earliest recollection of writing?

SM: I remember writing poems when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade as assignments. I didn’t begin to write poetry that was on my own terms until I was fifteen. So I’ve been writing longer than I haven’t been writing!

JG: You are, indeed, a brave soul, launching a new literary journal? What are your goals for it?

SM: Thank you! There are moments when I sometimes think “what have I done?” Mostly though I love what YCR is becoming. I want to see it continue to grow. It’s been gaining moment at a rapid pace and it would be awesome to see that sustain. Since it started I’ve added staff to assist me with the submissions. It’s become a lot of reading! I’m working now on getting funds together to start publishing chapbooks. I haven’t decided if it’s going to be in contest for(m) or open reading period form.

JG: Why Yellow Chair Review? Does the name have a special significance?

SM: Yellow Chair was the title of a poem I wrote in high school. It’s in the inaugural issue. There were many name ideas but this one stuck.

JG: What do you look for in a submission?

SM: Heart. I look to be moved. That’s the most simple answer. Sometimes being moved is laughing, or crying or just feeling like I can’t shake it after I’m done reading it. It stays with me.

JG: Social Justice might be the zeitgeist of our time. Share your thoughts on your Social Justice
blog.

SM: Yeah the web has bred a whole new species of social justice warrior. Lol. The social justice blog is probably the most dead aspect of YCR right now. I started it in June when the Supreme Court was expected to be ruling on Gay Marriage. Since then we haven’t done a whole lot with it. I’ve toyed with the idea of revitalizing it with the Rock The Chair challenge, merging it so-to-speak. Right now Rock The Chair is just the best poem of the week. I’ve considered changing it to the best social justice poem of the week. That’s undecided.

JG: What are you reading now?

SM: So much poetry! I’m also reading Go Set The Watchmen, Harper Lee’s book. Or maybe Harper Lee’s book who knows? So much drama on the authenticity of it. I’m slowly reading it. I worry it will ruin Atticus Finch for me.

JG: Opinions about MFAs?

SM: No opinion really. I don’t think those with MFAs are any more qualified than those without. I have a serious disdain for the literary elite. I think a lot of the times that falls into folks who feel their education makes them overtly special. Some will say it’s because I don’t have an MFA but it’s a core belief of mine. I don’t equate education with knowledge. They don’t always intersect well.

JG: Hindsight, but also extrapolation, might be the blessing and bane of writers. Any advice for
teenage Sarah? Advice for old Sarah (eons from now)?

SM: Oh god. We’d need to be here all day! I’d tell Teenage Sarah to be patient with herself above all else. I’d tell Old Sarah to also be patient with herself. I think the greatest advice ever though is to enjoy life and treat others with kindness. I’ve always tried to keep true to that.

JG: Do you have a schedule for writing, a preferred time or place?

SM: It’s very random. A lot of times I’m putting poems into my phone because something hits me and it’s all I have with me at the time. I’d like to say I have a more set schedule but I don’t.

JG: Tell me about Chihuahuas.

SM: They’re awesome? They’re these tiny little creatures with a hell of a lot of heart and they don’t take any shit. I have three. Two that are full and one that is a mix with Rat Terrier. They’re my family. They keep me sane. Nothing will ever be as loyal to you as a dog is.

JG: What do you want to be when you grow up?

SM: I’m pretty much living the life. I love working with animals and on the side I have this Review and my own work. I suppose if I could own my own full-time publishing press that would be living the ultimate dream.

JG: If you were throwing a dinner party who would you invite (Living or dead)?

SM: Stevie Nicks. I’d just love to sit and have dinner with Stevie Nicks. Just me and her. I think I could talk to her and it feel easy. Music and writing. I guess that’s not much of a dinner party but that’s what I imagined immediately with this question.

JG What are you working on now?

SM: On a personal level I’m always writing poetry. I’m sending out chapbook manuscripts like crazy. I’m slowly writing and putting together a chapbook of poems based off this video game called Fallout 3. It’s like nerd to the next level stuff. Three of those poems just got picked up for an anthology so that’s given me more motivation. I’m also dabbling in writing flash fiction.

JG: Places you long to visit.

SM: Pretty much anywhere I haven’t been. I love to camp. We do a ton of camping during the year. We’ve mostly focused on hitting as many state parks in Texas as we can. Next year we hope to expand that to other states. Aside from that I’d love to go to Greece. I’ve always wanted to visit there.

JG: Hardest lesson you’ve learned as a writer.

SM: To not take rejections to heart. A lot of times whether someone likes your work or not is completely subjective. I’ve had poems rejected over and over again and then I get this acceptance where someone raves about it. I think it’s important to not let those rejections get you down and at first they really bummed me out. Now I just move on and search for the next place to try or send to the same publications that have rejected when I’m allowed. Gotta keep on trying!


You can learn more about Sarah and her writing on her website

Interview with Weam Namou

JG: Today I’m sitting with my friend and fellow author Weam Namou. She is the author of the books The Mismatched Braid, The Feminine Art, The Flavor of Cultures, and, a poetry collection entitled I Am a Mute Iraqi With A Voice. Because of the great success of that collection, she started the Iraqi Americans book series. So far she has two books published of this series: 1) The War Generation; 2) Witnessing a Genocide. Welcome to Papercut. Thanks for taking some time to chat with me and my readers. Tell us a little about yourself.

WN: Thanks for inviting me.

JG: Your first book is The Feminine Art. Would you mind sharing your experience both the writing and the publishing aspects?

WN: It took me two years to complete The Feminine Art, and then in 1996, I attended a local writer’s conference at Oakland University where Frances Kuffel, then a literary agent at the Jean Naggar Agency, critiqued the first chapter of the novel. She loved it, asked me to send her the finished manuscript, and soon we signed a contract. Frances was my literary agent for a number of years. Her belief in my work allowed me to start and finish a second novel, The Flavor of Cultures.

Frances went on to become the vice president of the Maria Carvainis Agency in New York. She was still my agent, but then in early 2003, she published her first memoir, Passing for Thin, and left the agency. No longer having representation, I was advised by a number of friends, professors and authors, to independently publish my book. The 2003 US-led invasion had just begun and they felt that my book had a timely appeal. They were right. Within six months of publication, I did over a hundred nationwide radio interviews. I also received a number of newspaper and magazine jobs, requests for poetry submissions, speaking and reading invitations, and even my own column for a local paper.

JG: How long have you been writing? What is your earliest recollection of writing?

WN: My first attempt at writing a book started about twenty-four years ago, at age nineteen. My earliest recollection of writing a story was in fifth grade, shortly after I arrived to America. I had to write a personal story and I wrote about having to leave, in secrecy, my friends and school in Iraq and moving to a foreign land. My English teacher asked me to share my story in front of an audience of parents at a school event. This was my first “published” piece.

JG: You’ve been engaging in multiple mediums for some time now. Tell us about the articles you write.

WN: I live in the city of Sterling Heights, nicknamed “Little Baghdad,” so I’m surrounded by material which is easily translated into different types of literature. Writing articles about high profiled Iraqi Americans, mostly Chaldeans, as well as covering events about the community has introduced me to people and subjects that I would not have discovered on my own. These encounters led me to come up with the idea of the Iraqi Americans book series. Each series will include a different subject matter about the Iraqi American community.

JG: What’s it like to write a screenplay?

WN: Green Card Wedding was a short film I made for my thesis at the Motion Picture Institute of Michigan. After graduation, I spent two years turning it into a feature script. The process was entertaining because a number of people were involved. My younger brother and my nephews, who were in their early twenties, came over every week to critique the material I had written. Because the script was a light comedy, we had fun playing around with the scenarios. The creative energy in my living room was great, and it led us all (including my husband and one year old daughter) to go to L.A. in 2007, to find actors for the film. Lance Kawas, an accomplished filmmaker who was one of my instructors in film school, really believed in Green Card Wedding and worked with me to attain funding.

Then in 2010, a family approached me to write a story about their daughter, Dawn Hanna. Dawn was in federal prison at that time, accused of conspiring to broker telecom equipment to Iraq during the sanctions. Unbeknownst to her and the jury which tried her, her coconspirator was actually a CIA operative. The project was sponsored by the United States to listen in on Saddam and his men. I put the film on hold and for the next four and a half years, worked on the Dawn Hanna story, which I named The Great American Family. I completed the book last year and currently, I’m searching for a home for it.

JG: How do you organize your day?

WN: During the school year, I write once I send the kids to school. I will take breaks in the late afternoon, during which time I cook and do light housework. The evenings are for research, interviews and marketing. In the summer, my writing hours in the daytime are shorter because I like to spend time with the kids and enjoy the warm weather that does not last too long in
Michigan.

JG: Have you been to writing festivals? Do you have an opinion regarding them?

WN: No, I haven't. I feel that interacting in any literary community is healthy and inspiring for writers. However, some writers spend more time in writer's groups and conferences than they do writing, or honing the craft of writing, and that’s not going to move the book forward.

JG: What are you reading now?

WN: Maria Theresa Asmar's Memoirs of a Babylonian Princess
Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (audio)
The Paris Review Interviews Women Writers at Work

JG: What is your job as a writer? Who is your audience?
I freelance, mostly for the Chaldean News and right now I’m concentrating on the Iraqi Americans book series. The next book will be about the lives of artists, and it will be released in autumn 2015. My audience is intellectuals who like to read history, politics, biography and literary fiction.

JG: You are Chaldean. Can you explain what exactly that means? How does being Chaldean inform your writing?

WN: Chaldeans are Christian Iraqis who trace their roots to Prophet Abraham since he was from Ur, the biblical land of the Chaldees. When I began to learn about my heritage, I felt empowered by the richness of my ancestral land, where writing was invented. But I was also bothered by how little the world knew of these people’s achievements. Enheduanna, the first recorded writer in history, was a woman from ancient Iraq. I came across her name by accident and I could not understand why our Chaldean churches and the general educational institutions did not highlight her achievements.
Then while covering a story in 2012, I learned that almost two hundred years ago, a woman from Telkaif (my parents’, grandparents and great-great parents’ once Christian village in northern Iraq) had written a 720 page memoir. Maria Theresa Asmar was a Chaldean woman born in 1804 when the Ottoman occupied Iraq. She ended up traveling to Europe by herself, met the Queen of England (even dedicated the book to her), and described in the book her travels through Turkey, Syria, Lebanon and Israel. She died in France. An English version of her book was published in 1844 and was well received in England. Yet very few people in our Chaldean community know about her work.

JG: You are a wonderful writer. I’m a huge fan, as you might’ve guessed. I think that you are the Chaldean equivalent of Jhumpa Lahiri. Would you agree or disagree?

WN: I’m honored. Thank you. I read Lahiri’s “Interpreter of Maladies” when it first came out, and she and other ethnic writers such as Amy Tan showed me the possibility of telling my ethnic stories through the English language. Although, as I write this, I remember my former agent, Frances, and an Iraqi American book critic, after reading The Feminine Art, had compared my writing to that of Jane Austen because of my attention to small details that are the thread of family relationships.

JG: Do you have a schedule for writing, a preferred time or place?

WN: From early morning until late afternoon, every day, unless I’m out of town.
I used to love writing at coffee shops, libraries and bookstores. When you have kids, however, it’s not easy to just get up and go. You have to depend on the schedule of those who will watch your kids, and that dependence takes away your freedom to write how much you want to write.

I live in the same house my husband and I bought ten years ago when we got married. From the start, we made the family room my office. While I loved it spaciousness, it took years for me to get used to working in an atmosphere that was either very quiet (when the kids are asleep) or very noisy (when they were up). But over the years, I renovated it to create the right writing atmosphere for myself. I began to enjoy the window view I have while writing – the squirrels, birds, cats and rabbits that visit our backyard and nibble on food that is left behind from the previous night’s dinner we had on the patio.

For some years now, this has become my favorite and preferred place to write.

JG: What does Weam do when she is not writing?

WN: When not writing, Weam is mostly taking care of the house and kids and doing various family activities. I’m also currently helping care for my mother, who lives with me. I come from a big family (six sisters and four brothers, nearly 35 nieces and nephews, etc. – not to count my husband’s side) so much time goes into extended family as well as my own family.
When I have free time, I love to spend it in physical activities such as yoga, walking, and swimming. Once in a great while, I’ll have time to go to the movies.

JG: What do you want to be when you grow up?

WN: My great-grandmother Maria was a well-known healer. My father, who headed the accounting department at Baghdad’s railway station, was also a bonesetter for family and friends and whoever needed that free service.
Since it’s in my genes, for many years I have been studying spiritual work through different teachers. I’m currently a fourth year apprentice of Lynn Andrew’s school. Lynn Andrews is the bestselling author of the Medicine Woman series. Over twenty-five years ago, she founded Lynn Andrew’s Center for Sacred Arts and Training, a four year spiritual and healing school.
I want to continue to use my storytelling abilities to do work similar to that of my great-grandmother, my father and other family members.

JG: If you were throwing a dinner party who would you invite (Living or dead)?

WN: Dead: Margaret Mitchell, Maya Angelou, Henry James, Nora Ephron, Saddam Hussein (I have a lot of questions to ask him), Layla Al Attar (a famous Iraqi artist), Maria Theresa Amar

Alive: Woody Allen, Al Pacino, Robert Di Nero, Meryl Streep, Michael Moore, Stephen King, Kahtim al Sahir (famous Iraqi singer), President Bush Sr. & President Bush Jr. (I have a lot of questions to ask them too).

JG What projects are you working on now?

WN: I’m in postproduction of The Great American Family, based on the book with the same title. www.thegreatamericanfamilydocumentary.com

JG: What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned as a writer?

WN: You are responsible for your own success.

JG: Any advice?

WN: A friend of mine once said to me that if she wanted to, she could write a book in a week. This woman had a master’s degree in business and was successful in her field, but she is a very impatient person and the one thing you need to have to write a good book, especially if you’re starting out, is patience – while writing the book, while finding an agent/publisher, and after the book is published, then when writing the next book, and so on.

Along this journey, it’s important that you keep your priorities straight and have a balance rather than obsess over your writing. What’s the use of having a great book if you have a lousy life? These days, especially, having a great life can easily translate into a great book.

JG: Opinions about MFAs?

WN: It’s a matter of preference and opportunity. If one can go, why not? If one can’t, that should not stop them from being a writer. Many famous writers never went to college. Maya Angelou never even took a writing class. William Faulkner, Mark Twain, Jack London, and H.G. Wells dropped out of high school nearly from the time they enrolled.

JG: How did you land your agent?

WN: As I mentioned earlier, I met my first agent, Frances Kuffel, at a writer’s conference at Oakland University in Michigan. I met my second agent, Cicily Janus, in 2012 at a writer’s retreat in Colorado. At that time, she worked at Folio Literary Management.



Learn more about the author on her webpage http://www.weamnamou.com/

Interview with Danny Herrera

Today I am very lucky to have an opportunity to chat with a rising star, humorist writer, Danny Herrera. Sit back, relax, and hang onto your helmets. You can learn more about him here on his blog http://bydannyherrera.com/

JG: Welcome to Papercut. Thanks for taking the time to sit and chat with me. Tell us a little about yourself.

DH: It's a pleasure— thanks for the opportunity John. I was born and raised in the westside of San Antonio, TX. I've bounced around a little: I went to college in Iowa, and lived in Denver for just about 2 years. But I've been living in New York City for 3 years now. My problem is that if I get too comfortable somewhere I get all this existential anxiety and feel the need to leave that place. But with New York it's different— between the rats, the constant stench of urine in the subway, and all of the eccentric humans that live here— it's hard to feel too comfortable here. The city really pushes you to your limits and it just feels right for me. It's home, for now.

JG: You write non-fiction. When you go back and recall these past events, how do you maintain the accuracy of things that were said and the rest of the details?

DH: Keeping a diary helps. Often, I'll take note of a piece of dialogue or an event/thing/person that strikes me and then later on I'll transfer it into my diary. I'll usually revisit a diary about a year after the date I started it. I've written a lot about my family and my childhood and luckily because most of my family is still around, I can ask them about how they remember a certain event/person and that will sometimes trigger new memories in my mind. But man, there are just some things you'll never forget. Like the time my cousin Rudy pulled down my shorts in front of my entire family and I wasn't wearing any underwear.

JG: When did you start keeping your diary?

DH: I started keeping a diary in high school. Ms. Hood was one of my teachers. She stood at 5ft 4 inches and weighed well over 300 pounds. She taught "Health and Wellness." And although she didn't lead by example, the habit she instilled of writing things down has stuck with me ever since.

JG: How often do you update your diary now?

DH: Daily. My goal is to write one sentence each day and usually I write more than that.

JG: Do you blog? Do you enjoy blogging?

DH: I took a writing class while living in Denver. One of my class assignments was to create a blog and upload work. So I've kept up with that but I don't really enjoy it. Just the verb 'blogging' makes me nauseous. I never liked the idea of blogs and I still don’t. Themed blogs are the worst. Either way, by virtue of having a blog I put myself in the company of this weird virtual world. A friend of mine recently said that the blog is like the literary equivalent of a “selfie.” I think that's a good way to put it. But I've kept up my blog for 3 years now and one of the good things about it is that I imposed a weekly deadline for myself and created new work every week. That led to some of my essays getting published which was new for me and felt good. Nowadays I update my blog a few times a month. I like to think of it as my creative compost. Not everything on there is good but sometimes a really good essay will come from that compost.

JG: I’ve had the great pleasure of hearing you read your essay “Biddie Biddie Bom Bom”. It’s funny and poignant. Would you like to share the inspiration behind that piece?

DH: That essay started with the image of me as a 10 or 11 year old singing “No, Señor” by Johnny Z. I remember my mom smacking me over the head when I sang that song because some of the lyrics were filthy. So I started with that memory and built upon it. That then led me to questions about my cultural identity and the essay just naturally evolved into this theme about what it means to be a Mexican-American that didn't grow up speaking fluent Spanish. Like sometimes I was made to feel like I wasn't “Mexican enough” because I wasn't born in Mexico. And then other times I felt like I wasn't “American enough” because I've been called racial slurs in the past. It's a weird in-between state and I still think about it. Race is one of those things here in America that is constantly talked about and I think it's important because the “American experience” is constantly evolving and as we move into the future, it's going to continue to be more and more diverse.

JG: Who are your writing influences?

DH: Hunter S. Thompson because of his courage to implicate himself in the journalism that he creates. David Sedaris for being able to blend humor and insight. Toni Morrison for her wisdom and being a master storyteller.

JG: What do you like to read? What are you reading now?

DH: I like to read a lot of fiction and non-fiction. I'm currently reading Harlem: The Making of a Ghetto. It's about the history of Harlem and how it became a slum/ghetto. I like it because I live in Harlem and I want to know its rich history. Recently, I also read Bill Buford's Among The Thugs which was a great read. If you want to read about English hooligans who drink way too much and start riots at soccer games, I highly recommend it.

JG: How long have you been living in the city? Give me your impression of it. How do like it compared to other places you’ve lived?

DH: I've lived in New York for 3 years. I lived in Astoria for a year and now I've been living in Harlem for 2 years. I like New York because it's the cultural capital of the world. New York is a city of extremes and whatever you're into, you'll likely find it here.

JG: You’re billed as a humorist. How does this shape what you write? Do you consider yourself to be naturally funny or have events in your life helped pave this way?

DH: I think being a “humorist” shapes my writing insofar as I always try to paint an image in the reader's mind. Some of the funniest things are images you can see in your head. So that helps to shape how I write. I always try to imagine how it looks and then I try to translate that by creating a vivid atmosphere for the reader. I think there's humor in everyday moments and I really try to lock in on that. For example, while on the train recently, a man was standing next to me with his phone out. It started to ring and the contact on his phone read, "Dickhead." "Hi mom," he answered. "Yeah, almost there."
Now that's not profound, but it's funny. And who knows, maybe one day I'll find a place for it somewhere in one of my essays.

JG: How do you like to write? What mediums do you use (ie; laptop, notebook, napkin, cell phone)? Do you have a preferred medium?

DH: I make notes on my phone and at the end of the day I'll expand on those notes in my actual diary. Since high school I have used paperbound diaries and I still do. I go through a couple every year and at this point I have many completed diaries which becomes a problem when I move. So I'm actually considering starting to keep my diary on my laptop. It would save me some time and space, that's for sure.

JG: Do you have a schedule for writing, a preferred time or place?

DH: I work full-time so I usually write at my desk at night.

JG: When you are not writing, what are some of things you enjoy doing with your time? I go to the movies often. I listen to a lot of podcasts (my current favorites are Fresh Air, Radio Ambulante and This American Life).

JG: What do you want to be when you grow up?

DH: Well, in terms of my “professional” career, I'm starting graduate school this fall. I'll be getting a Master's in Urban Policy Analysis. So I hope to be able to do future work that helps disadvantaged populations. But creatively, I hope to be the author of a book(s) of essays.

JG: If you were throwing a dinner party who would you invite (Living or dead)?

DH: I'd invite Francois Truffaut, Toni Morrison, Conan O’Brien, and the President.

Chatting with the Champ, Chip Dunston

So maybe you missed the one-on-one with Wayne Gretzky or the tête-à-tête with Tiger Woods or the gab-a-gab with Roger Federer. No biggie. Now’s your chance to meet the real treat. This is one for the ages, one to grow on. Here it is, at last. Sports Fans everywhere, I give you my exclusive interview with the Greatest, the most Heralded, the most Hated, the most Feared and Famous Fantasy Baseball Player ever to lope across this planet, the switch-clicking, Chip Dunston.

JG: I’m here today with the World’s Greatest Fantasy Baseball Champ, Chip Dunston. He’s won 733 League Championships and something like 1239 Fan Duel single-day comps (the 50-yard-dash of sabermetrics). His opponents call him he WHIP Wizard, The Call-up King, Fantasy Fanner, Supergeek, and sometimes, pardon my French, El Diablo. Thanks for taking the time to swoop by today.

CD: Where’s my Chicken and Waffles?

JG: It should be here soon.

CD: Better be.

JG: Now Chip, I’m no mathathlete, but how exactly did a young buck like yourself win 733 League Championships. You’re not Yoda with Botox are you?

CD: No dipshit. I play in like 12 leagues a season, not including my daily Fan Duels.

JG: Oh, I get it, kind of like piggybacking.

CD: Your mother piggybacks.

JG: We don’t do mothers here on the show.

CD: Yeah, I already did yours in an elevator.

JG: Let’s get back to interview.

CD: Whatever.

JG: Tell us when exactly you knew that you wanted to be a Fantasy Baseball Player? Was it something you always wanted to be? Did the inspiration hit you one day when you were eating your Coco Puffs?

CD: Did Peter Parker ask to be Spider-man? Did Picasso ask to be a painter freak? Did Russell Brand ask to be a Pimp Daddy? Nah-ah. Each of them in their own ways had to sow their wild oats and be their unique, crazy-ass, crackerjack selves. Take your average hump, for instance. Your ordinary hump gets his cup of joe at 7-Eleven or Mickey D’s. He mopes to work, forklifts till his first smokes break and then he smokes a blunt a little bit after that, and then he’s thinking when can I crack open my first Corona. What are you shaking your head for?

JG: I don’t get my joe from 7-Eleven. I prefer Think Coffee, Queens Kickshaw, Birch (if I can find one), and yes, I’ll admit it, I like my Starbucks reserve blends.

CD: Well, you a freak.

JG: I can live with that. Let’s get back to you. What are your routines? How do you stay so sharp?

CD: Fantasy Baseball is nothing like the MLB. First off, you don’t’ get to loaf half the game away on the bench, farting and spitting out sunflower seeds. You have to be 100% fully-engaged, your bloodshot eyeballs keep scanning stats like you a CPA for the IRS, but instead of AGIs, MAGIs, CAP Gains you looking for subtle ways to outperform the other punks in your league. You get it? It’s not a half-time, half-ass thing, you have to be 100% all-in, all-the-time, 24/7, maybe even 35/8. Days bleed into each other: Muesday, Tednesday, Faturday. There’s no letup.

JG: Now hold on here Chip. Are you saying that your laptop-punching and mouse-clicking is more rigorous than what real ball players go through?

CD: That’s exactly what I’m saying. What are you laughing at dipshit?

JG: I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but I don’t think most folks out there will buy that.

CD: I don’t give a rat’s ass who buys it. Who’s the champ here anyway? I know what I know. Whip this, OPS that. Do you know how many hours I log in BABIP? Too many that’s how many. And, I have to keep my eyeballs peeled for every rising star that’s about to shoot into the Ursa Majors. A few times this year alone, I’ve nearly gone through coronary thrombosis or something like that when one of my ace hurlers landed on the DL. My life is a constant flux. I wouldn’t wish my curse on anybody, not my worst enemy.

JG: So in the annals of baseball history, and by that I mean the one with the dirt diamond and the grassy outfield, if you wouldn’t mind indulging, who would you say you’re most like? That is to say, who would you find an analogue for you from the all-time Louisville-slugging greats? Would it be The Bambino, Ty Cobb, Shoeless Joe, Mickey Mantle, Greg Maddux, Kirby Puckett, Miggie Cabrera, Nolan Ryan? Who?

CD: You’re trippin, right?

JG: Fraid not.

CD: You’re not going to pigeonhole me into any analogue, dialogue, monologue, bump-on-log. No way, no how. I’m not like any of those fatheads you mentioned. I’m my own unique entity.

JG: No argument there. Now would you mind sharing any hobbies you have, ways you like to pass the time?

CD: Nope.

JG: Favorite soft drink?

CD: Mr. Pibb.

JG: What’s your sign?

CD: Capricorn.

JG: Me too.

CD: Are we done here? I need to take a whiz.

JG: Hang on. Only a few more questions.

CD: (Deep sigh plus crotch-grab.)

JG: There you have it Sports Fans. Chip Dunston, the greatest there ever was, so far anyway.

CD: Where’s my chicken and waffles?