Thursday, July 9, 2015

An Open Letter Regarding My Chia Pet Molly


Dear Sir or Madam,

It never occurred to me before, but raising a Chia Pet is so small fete. I’ll have you know that I’m the proud owner of a happy basket of baby’s breath, a perky cactus, and a mercurial bonsai. Whenever I get the chance, I stuff apple pits into soil-filled Styrofoam cups. My next door neighbor, Delores, helped me turn my fire escape into a hanging garden. Old Babylon, you got nothing on us! It only takes a week or so for the little apple buds to work their magic. Now I’m not the mushy type, but I learned from Delores that you must flirt with your plants. It builds their egos.

What I don’t get is this stubborn Chia Pet of mine, Molly.

She’s got the whole sanctuary of my cable box to herself, where the light flitters in through my open blinds. I’ve done just about everything imaginable, including giving her Fiji bottled water and a daily backrub.

A startling revelation hit me the other day after I was feeling a bit lonesome while reading Penthouse. Now I’m sure you’re thinking that nobody bothers reading such smut, but I’ve seen so many skin mags in my lifetime that frankly the pictures just don’t do it for me anymore. So I’ve turned to the randy little letters that people write-in, and this does the trick for me, although I tend to toss a newspaper over Molly because it makes me sort of uneasy knowing that she can see me getting all jolly by myself in the rocker.

I guess what I’m dying to share is this. Call me crazy, but I think Molly has grown a pair of boobs. Maybe she’s taking my relaxation technique as a form of competition. It’s gotten so I feel funny chatting with her the way I used to and now I find myself oddly aroused by these leafy boobs she’s grown.

I know it seems like I should be sharing my exuberance with her, but I’ve never done anything so kinky. I’m not looking for the greenlight, but just was wondering if any other Chia Pet owners have had a similar experience. Maybe there’s some sort of support group I could attend that could give me the moxie I need to face this head on.

Truly, I would appreciate any advice you can give. Something tells that I’m not the only one.

Graham Greenethumb

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